This post was easy for me to write because I literally just looked at my own life and thought, let’s write some stuff down. Then I realized about half way through that I clearly fall into this category and the post became increasingly difficult. Don’t worry though, I had a glass of wine and powered through.
1. You Drink Instead of Eat
Apparently this is an actual sign of alcoholism which to be honest, only puts my mind at ease. I like to drink AND eat… so that I can drink more. I also just love food, so joke’s on you.
2. You Wake Up Without a Hangover
At first you might think, well you’re obviously not going hard enough, but you’d be incorrect. As your body’s tolerance increases, so do the number of drinks you order. It takes more than a night of two-for-one vodka sodas to rock this chick.
3. Not Drinking Makes You Irritable
I’m irritable most of the time as it is. In fact I’m pretty sure being irritated has taken over a large majority of my personality. Mondays? Shitty weather? Lines at Starbucks? When your dealer doesn’t text you back? Don’t get me wrong, the fact that I can’t have a drink at the office is not something I freak out about, but not being allowed to partake in a beer bucket over lunch is absurd and I’m going to have to quit.
4. You Can’t Have Just Two Drinks
Sure I can. If that’s only how much booze is left, what else do you expect me to do? I’m not Jesus.
You people and your ridiculous expectations, honestly.
5. You Always Have a Good Explanation for Drinking
It’s the weekend! Drink.
My ex is a crazy person! Drink.
It’s a friend’s birthday! Drink.
It’s my birthday! Drink.
It’s my dog’s birthday! Drink.
Where is my dog? No seriously, I think I-Never mind I found him. I found my dog! Drink.
6. Periods of Blacking Out or Memory Loss Are Common
If my mind chooses to check out because remembering certain things will make me feel embarrassed or depressed, I think I’m just further along the evolutionary scale than you are. #sorrynotsorry
7. You Hide Your Alcohol
I wouldn’t call it hiding. More like a cross between keeping it close and being forgetful. So what if I have vodka in the freezer, white wine in the fridge, a beer in my shower and a bottle of Soho on my dresser?
Do I come to your house and tell you where to put things?
8. Your Behavior Changes Under the Influence of Alcohol
If by “changes” you mean people become more fun and gain a sense of humor, uh ya I agree.
Who’s side are you on?
Like 90% of the things people choose to do when they’re drunk are directly related to being drunk.*
I’m no scientist but I think that’s solid math.
The best stories all begin with a beverage of some sort. No one goes to the bar drinking juice boxes, looking to meet their future wife. You wanna end up in a questionable situation with a naked woman? Pour yourselves a drink and make it strong, I like to taste my poison.
* I made this percentage up but it seems fairly accurate