1. Check to make sure you took your birth control. What day is it again? Oh fuck it, I’ll take two to be safe. FYI this does nothing. Either that or make a quick stop at CVS for a box of condoms, and skip the magnums you’ll just end up disappointed. I don’t even know who they make those for. If you’ve met him, send him my number, or, you know, all the best.
2. Watch what you eat all day. This really only applies if you’re not dating the lucky guy. If you’re in a relationship, you can eat whatever you want and your boyfriend still thinks you’re hot AF. Assholes. If this is the first time you’re hooking up, you want your stomach as flat as possible. That means no carbs, no sodium, no sugar, no food, no liquids, maybe salad, only air, so dizzy, eat a cube of cheese. What day is it again? Refer back to number 1.
3. Pee, duh. I’ll only expand on this because I’m the master of ruining the moment. Standard advice would be to go ahead of time but if you know me at all, you know I consume wine like a camel so I have to pee every 20 minutes like clockwork. Finish a glass of Pinot, go pee, order another glass. #TuesdayNightRitual. It’s possible there’s an underlying issue here that I’m not addressing but I’m trying to help you, so save your judgmental comments.
4. Shave. Everything. Eyebrows down, girl. I don’t care if you’re part feminist or you bought into that Schick Hydro-Silk Trim-Style commercial. Get your shit together.
5. Create a playlist. Yeah, this happens. Girls are fucking nuts and if you haven’t realized that by now, you’re hopeless. Lord help you if that song you secretly like comes on mid blowjob. “You got that James Dean, daydream, look in your eyyyyyyes” He doesn’t. And now he’s questioning your musical taste. TG his pants are on the floor and he’s not about to move.
6. Clean your place. Or shove everything into an available closet. Whether you want to date this bro eventually or not, he can’t know you’re a slob – that comes later. For now, you’re mysterious and domesticated. You also kill at chicken parmesan and his mother would love you.
7. Wear lingerie. It doesn’t have to include stockings, a garter belt and fuzzy black handcuffs but at the very least your bra should match your panties, no question. I’m not talking Target or La Senza either (gross). Invest in 3 or 4 insanely sexy outfits from Victoria’s Secret that look bomb on you.
8. Make your bed. This could fall under the “clean your place” point but it’s separate because it’s important. It may start on the couch, but unless you’re 15 years old and in a rush, you’re doing it on a bed. Friction is your friend. 15? 15 and a whore maybe. Your sheets need to be fresh and your bed needs to be made.
9. Briefly consider doing something drastic.
And then almost immediately change your mind.
10. Give yourself a pep talk. Be confident. It’s a little daunting to bust out new moves on an unsuspecting guy you’ve been seeing regularly. His first thought is, Where did she learn that? Is she cheating on me? No babe, I probably watch just as much porn as you do and I’ve picked up a few things. If he’s new, he has no idea what your “usual” moves are so you have to opportunity to get creative. If you want to embody a pretzel, go for it.