The Evolution of a Selfie

If you stop and think about it, selfies have been around for generations. Just because modern day technology wasn’t present, doesn’t mean people weren’t just as delusional and self centred as they are now. Royalty paid good money for artists to immortalize them in canvas. In fact, they often spent several hours posing for the painter to complete a single work of art. Sounds like an arrogant, douchebag if you ask me. 

mona selfie

The Mona Lisa Duck Face. A Renaissance classic.

These days, selfies are much simpler. Well, not really. They just take a fraction of the time. So what goes into a modern day selfie?

Stage One

Stage one begins even before you set out to selfie. Your subconscious works in mysterious ways. Cute outfit? Hair game on point? Makeup on fleek? Notable bar/restaurant? Impressive backdrop? Flattering lighting? You’ve been sucked in.

kim-kardashian-11-600x450

Stage Two

Once you decide the universe has aligned itself for the benefit of a great selfie, it’s game time. Basically you have to take pictures of yourself until you no longer look like yourself. The more angle diversity the better. I’ve averaged out the numbers and it’s roughly 400. The more pictures you take, the more likes you’re guaranteed.

cara1

Selfie number 1

Cara

Selfie number 287

Stage Three

Once you’ve chosen the picture you like the most, filter the shit out of it. Valencia is an all time favourite but Crema, Aiden and Rise work well too. Steer clear of Nashville, Wadlen and 1977. Pro tip, play with the fade, brightness and contrast settings. End result, you want your filtered photograph to visually portray beer googles.

 beer-goggles-o

Stage Four

Come up with a clever caption and corresponding hashtag. The caption should be vague but witty, whereas the hashtags are what you actually want to emphasize without being abrupt. It’s called class, look it up.

Stage Five

Is similar to stage four but is specific to men. Bitches like likes. 

Let me explain. If your selfie has seven likes, you’re not getting any. If your selfie has 1,000 likes, your dick’s getting wet all day long. The more ridiculous and hilarious your selfies are, the more likes you get, which equals more pussy. Boys, it’s time to get creative.

guy-bath-cheetos-dat-dust-cheeto-dust-13854097917

What’s your name again? Who cares.

Stage Six

AKA the waiting game. Waiting for selfie likes is like waiting for your ex to change. You hope and pray, and in the unlikely event that he does, you receive a double digit like-count. Score. I guess you’re attractive after all.

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